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My husband Cameron and I became eligible
to join ranks with other unwilling members of The Compassionate Friends 10
years ago, on July 1, 1996.
On March 26, 2006 our wonderful son Cameron "W" Deal III,
aka Cam, or Cammyboy, would have celebrated his 37th birhday surrounded by
friends, his two nephews, his brother and sister, his daughter and, of course,
his parents. However, one night when the sky was lit by what weathermen called
a "blue moon" my son's life came to an end.
Whether it was caused by suicide to end his tortuous
ordeal with bipolar disorder or a freakish accident caused by an overindulgence
of alcohol in an attempt to self-medicate, the outcome was the same..he's
gone. I will never hear his voice again. I will never feel his arms around
me. I will never see him scrunch his face and throw his head back when he
laughs.
I miss our long talks, our lunches together
and his presence at our Saturday night barbecues at our home. On March 26
we will wish him a happy birthday at his graveside with an arm full of flowers
for his present.
A year after his death I wrote, "One year ago I did
not think I could possibly make it to this day...but I did. It's like putting
one foot in front of the other to learn to walk again, only I'm putting one
day in front of the other to learn to live again." What a long walk it has
been in the 10 years since we lost Cammy. Those years have taken us so many
different places both personally and professionally.
The most positive impact on our life has been getting
involved with The Compassionate Friends. At first it was difficult opening
up and being transparent about our pain. After a few meetings I was able
to grasp that common thread woven between us of not only our loss, but our
love for our children.
What have I learned after 10 years with TCF? I've
learned that in time the pain will eventually ease and you will be able
to function again. That everyone grieves in their own way and on their own
timetable. There are no hard, fast rules. A hug goes a long way, much longer
than a lot of words. The most rewarding for me is that after being the recipient
of the hugs, you learn to give back and help others, the newly bereaved,
through their grief.
As the Chapter Leader of TCF Honolulu, I continue
my journey of grief and of awareness. Although it's been 10 years I still
grieve for my son. That will never change; but I can turn my energy and
experience to something positive and help others through their walk, one
day in front of the other, to live again.
Michele Deal, Chapter Leader
Cammy's Mom
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